The days it seems continue to blow away like the seeds from the dandelions and I continue to fight my mountain and various other ghosts of my past. I continue to struggle with weight loss and the ever growing want/need to have another child. Every time I start something new to help with the weight loss it seems that I am derailed on what Hunter would call my Choo-Choo ride to a smaller me.
I feel like I have tried everything under the sun in order to lose the weight that I so desperately need/want to lose. I just want to be healthy, happy, and the girl of Bill's dreams. I want to be as vivacious outside as I feel on the inside. This outer body is not me. It's not the person I want to be nor the person I believe myself to be. I am a DIVA! You got that right. From the time I walked in late to a baby shower as a young child and announced "Ta-Da, we're here!" to the present day where I would love to feel like I am the object of anyone's affection (okay, anyone other than the dog looking for food).
I know that a lot of the reasons for my weight gain and holding have to deal with ghosts of my past. I hide inside this body, this person that I don't recognize in order to protect myself from pain. But with the hiding comes horrible pain and extreme sadness. I feel like I am missing out on so many things in life. I'm so sore and tired at night that I can't play with Hunter the way that I always dreamed I would. I pictured having a child to run with through the fields, but instead there are no fields and he just runs through the house while I try to catch up. I dream at night of the person that I believe myself to be not of this hideous body that I am trapped in.
Maybe what we need to do is work together... you on your ghosts, me on mine? Together we can be ghost busters for each other, and then perhaps we will be on the outside what we feel on the inside? Just thinking out loud here... well, technically... big grin...
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