The days it seems continue to blow away like the seeds from the dandelions and I continue to fight my mountain and various other ghosts of my past. I continue to struggle with weight loss and the ever growing want/need to have another child. Every time I start something new to help with the weight loss it seems that I am derailed on what Hunter would call my Choo-Choo ride to a smaller me.
I feel like I have tried everything under the sun in order to lose the weight that I so desperately need/want to lose. I just want to be healthy, happy, and the girl of Bill's dreams. I want to be as vivacious outside as I feel on the inside. This outer body is not me. It's not the person I want to be nor the person I believe myself to be. I am a DIVA! You got that right. From the time I walked in late to a baby shower as a young child and announced "Ta-Da, we're here!" to the present day where I would love to feel like I am the object of anyone's affection (okay, anyone other than the dog looking for food).
I know that a lot of the reasons for my weight gain and holding have to deal with ghosts of my past. I hide inside this body, this person that I don't recognize in order to protect myself from pain. But with the hiding comes horrible pain and extreme sadness. I feel like I am missing out on so many things in life. I'm so sore and tired at night that I can't play with Hunter the way that I always dreamed I would. I pictured having a child to run with through the fields, but instead there are no fields and he just runs through the house while I try to catch up. I dream at night of the person that I believe myself to be not of this hideous body that I am trapped in.
